What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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