My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
