This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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