so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she smelled like a LAN party
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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