I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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