We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
