So drunk its hurt
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
