your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
