Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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