I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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