Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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