I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
