I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
