If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
