took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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