i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
