and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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