I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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