You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
