watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
