benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
