Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
