I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
