I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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