I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
