I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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