it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
