We got so high we made milksteak
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
