I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
