You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
