I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
