Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
