garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
