i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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