i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
as a side note pls kill me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
