True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
