I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
