Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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