I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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