please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
