i don't like sucking hair
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
