When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
