ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
