good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
