You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
