meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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