You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
