I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
