Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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