He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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