pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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